Monday, February 7, 2011


What do you do when someone apologizes to you?
Do you accept it?
Or do you question it?

Maybe I'm naive but I was brought up to always accept an apology, I still do.

I taught the sacrament of reconciliation to year 2 & 3 classes in Catholic schools for years.
I taught that if someone says sorry, you forgive them and say, "Let's be friends."

Yes, I know, that's incredibly simplistic.

I wasn't expecting, or even wanting, to be best friends again.
I simply do not like ignoring someone almost every day that I was previously very close to for seven years.
That to me is ridiculous.
It is awkward, it is uncomfortable.
It's childish.

But if children can learn to forgive, surely adults can, too.
If you can't, if I apologize to you and you question my intentions, you are not worth it.

The End


  1. You did the right thing. For you. Isn't that the most important thing. You apologised with a pure heart. If their heart is not pure enough to accept your words and move on they are the ones hurting themselves. Carrying grudges and having an unforgiving attitude hurts the person who won't forgive more than anyone else.
    I'm sad for you and hope you find resolution soon

  2. Oh Thea. What a shame. I saw your tweets and hoped that there would be a gracious resolution for you both.

    Maybe she needs more time to gather some composure?


  3. Well put Thea, we teach our children to forgive and forget... life is simply too short not to. Hopefully your friend will come to her senses and see she is missing out on real friendship.
    Have a good Monday
    Daniele x

  4. Thea, I'm truly sorry that your apology has been questioned. But, honestly, that says far more about the recipient of your apology than it does about you. It takes a great deal of courage to be big enough to admit to an error and want to make it right. It takes nothing more than grace to accept an apology. If this lady doesn't have the grace to do that, she is no longer worth your time or worry. Your conscience is clear and you have a whole lot of people who know you are (without question)a genuine, caring and devoted friend, and I for one would fight to keep someone like you in my life xxx <3 <3 <3 xxx

  5. To be honest it is a simplistic view.

    Apologies I accept, but forgiveness is another thing. When someone has gone out of their way to hurt, lie, destroy you it is not so easy to move on.

    If it is a simple misunderstanding then it is easy to remedy. It is when there is far more to it that sorry isn't always going to cut it. JMHO.

  6. I call that having a hard heart and I don't want to know anyone with one.

  7. Thea hon oh *hugs*
    You are a wonderful, caring, loving person.
    If you apologise , yes, it should be accepted, no caveats, no conditions.
    If someone who used to know you well would question that you of all people would apologise for gain of any kind, it makes me wonder if she is really the kind of person you need in your life, especially if she is the same one that you have written about - she has been mean and nasty (neither of which you deserve) yet you apologise (which was very kind and brave of you)
    Better off without her hon it seems, as hard as I know you can find it and as much as it hurts now. But if she will question your motives all the time it sometimes just isn't worth it. Hugs. Many xx

  8. okay - wow that was a long ramble - hope you 'got' what I meant *hug*

  9. Having been in the same position as you Thea, I am sorry but not surprised to read this. It makes me sad but once trust is broken, it can't be repaired. This was my reasoning behind letting things lie. On the other hand, now you know that the b.... sorry, woman isn't worth wasting any more energy on. Surround yourself with positive people, people who make you happy, who improve your life not detract from it.

    Congratulations on being the brave one.


  10. So true. Just so true. I understand, because i have been where you are, and i agree - if an honest appology isnt enough, than nothing is and they are not worth your friendship.


  11. You are the person who has admitted her mistake..waited till time passed and emotions cooled...then reached out via email to "take the first step" of reconciliation....
    Deep breath, back came a response..not as had hoped but better than silence or wondering 'what if'
    Bravely you have accepted that it is now time to move on, and you are.. And now you are also a more mature, forgiving and compassionate person.
    You are the winner..not that it's a competition xx

  12. I find that interesting. Anyone who knows me says I have one of the softest hearts around. I am loyal, and I step up if I can when someone needs help. I will apologise when wrong, but do not go out of my way to harm, hurt or slander someone else. BUT, if someone repeatedly does this to me and my family I would never go there again with friendship. I do not think it is hard-hearted, I think it is learning from the past and moving on. And not opening myself up to be a doormat for someone to wipe their crap on.

    I guess it comes down to different expectations, standards and experiences.

  13. You are the better person for trying to reconcile, my dear Thea.

    I've experienced a situation recently where I tried to be supportive of someone I'd hurt (very unintentionally - and, to be honest, I'm still not convinced the thing I apologised for was particularly terrible), but this person decided that rather than give it time and allow the wounds to heal - and to perhaps see it from my point of view - to turn nasty instead. Shame.

    So, what can you do? Sometimes, you just have to walk away. There are too many great people in the world to bother with the average ones. ;)


  14. I've experienced a situation recently where I tried to be supportive of someone I'd hurt (very unintentionally - and, to be honest, I'm still not convinced the thing I apologised for was particularly terrible), but this person decided that rather than give it time and allow the wounds to heal - and to perhaps see it from my point of view - to turn nasty instead. Shame.

    The thing is, this post is about apologising in general. Not apologising under such and such circumstances, or with this proviso, but a BIG generic, broad "do you accept apologies?" full stop.

    Which is why I posted the circumstances under which I struggle. For things such as Jodie posted above, yes, as a friend I would accept and sit and discuss how each party felt and hopefully resolve the issue and continue the friendship.

    But to state unequivocally "Yes, I accept apologies" I cannot, because in all fairness there are circumstances and situations that no apology can ever repair, or resolve.

    In my opinion, anyway.

  15. Madmother - Your situation was very traumatic and I'd say, much worse than the friendship issue I'm dealing with. Although from the way she is behaving I must have hurt her way more than I thought! I do still think that all apologies should be accepted, regardless. Forgiveness, on the other hand, is a whole other issue. You choose whether you can, or whether you can't. Sometimes forgiveness is incredibly difficult, but in the end, if you don't, it eats you up more than them. And you don't deserve to be eaten up over it. I'm sorry my comment came off the way it did. I was still angry at her, not you. xx

  16. You did the right thing Thea. I know how much your stomach must be churning that as a result, she couldn't just be cool and say, well thanks Thea, I appreciate it.

    We are all getting far too old to worry about this kind of stuff. Surround yourself with the gooduns and I know it doesn't make up for a friend you held and probably still hold dear, it's the only way forward.

    xx Bern

  17. I have been EXACTLY in your situation recently with someone whom I thought was my best friend. It turns out, they weren't. After months of tears & heartache on my behalf, I suddenly realised that the friendship wasn't what I thought it was and the situation that precipitated the end of the friendship was actually just a convenient 'out' for her. Sadly, almost 18 months on, there is still awkwardness when we are in the same room, but I know with all my heart it's not because of my lack of effort to bring about a reconciliation. In the end, I can only control my reactions, words and behaviour - I have no control over hers. I've decided that I really don't need a friend like that after all (but that doesn't mean I didn't cry lots...).

    Take care & hang in there xx

  18. Thea and Karen that's so sad. I've almost had to accept defeat in one of my friendships too because they don't have any time for me at all, will never ring (because they just don't do that) and every time i ring I feel like I'm a nuisance because they are so busy. Such a nice person but just not working out. Saw them in church yesterday and could feel a side glance but she couldn't even look at me, that's just sad we only live two doors apart. I really miss her, but she only seems available in summer and i go to UK then.

  19. I accept apologies, but the forgiveness sometimes can take longer. Forgetting? Well, I'll tuck it away in the back of the memory and hope it never sees the light of day.

  20. I know your intentions were good and honest. If she can't accept that? Well, it's sad, but you probably don't need to have her as a friend. I do believe that some friends, like lovers, are right for us for a particular period in time. (Though some can be forever). Just reassure yourself that you did your best to make it right ... and if she can't accept that, you're better off without her.


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