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Sunday, August 21, 2011

Another Sibling

Just this week, both of my children have asked for another sibling, out of the blue and I wasn't really prepared for it.

My six year old boy casually said on the way to school one day, "I wish I had a brother who liked the same stuff as me."

And tonight, after Miss 3 was shattered by her big brother scrunching up her drawing, she said, "We need a little boy who is not naughty. Because little boys aren't naughty. Or a little girl."

My heart felt heavy both times.

Immediately I felt a million questions being raised.
Well, perhaps not a million, but these few...

Am I being selfish stopping at two?
Why didn't I start earlier?
Why didn't I meet my husband earlier?
Am I being selfish...oh...I said that already....

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted three or four kids.
I grew up with a brother and a sister...three kids.
I always thought two children was not a 'proper' family.
But when I met my husband, at 31, we both thought two would be good.
I was six weeks away from turning 36 when our beautiful baby boy was born.
And six weeks away from 39 when our little angel daughter was born.

In three weeks they'll be seven and four, and I'll be almost 43.
I know women have babies at 43, but I don't want to be one of them.
I feel done.
Pregnancy was hell for me.
I have arthritis, and for a lot of women it goes into remission during pregnancy.
Not for me, it was way worse.
The pain was ridiculous.

It hurt to get into bed, get out of bed,
sit down, stand up,
get into the car, get out of the car,
walk to the car in the carpark,
push a shopping trolley,
basically if I moved, it hurt, a lot.

So I just don't feel I can do it again.

And again I ask myself...

Am I being selfish?

20 comments:

  1. Of course you're not being selfish!
    Or if you are, then what am I, given I only have one?! She does ask for a sibling, but I kind of think it's too late, even if I got pregnant tomorrow, there would be nearly 6.5 years between them, so they would never really be into the same things.

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  2. No, not at all.

    We get asked all the time when we're having more kids but I tell people that I love my life and I love my two but more isn't for me.

    My reasons are probably not very PC - financially harder, need a bigger car, two is easy to manage, don't want to be pregnant again, might mean even less sleep - but I don't care, it's my life.

    And, I have a friend who's one of four and talks a lot of the lack of attention from her parents as a kid. Not to say that's always the case but it is easier to focus on fewer kids. It's simple maths, there are only so many hours in the day.

    All kids ask for more siblings/a brother/a sister...

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  3. i think we make these choices based on what everyone needs. Your kids need their mum healthy and happy. You are so NOT selfish Thea. I'm done too xx

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  4. I don't think you are being selfish. I always wanted to have three or four kids too as I think bigger families have more fun but when I had my own kids, I realised its just not that simple.
    I now have two children and often think maybe one more would be nice, but we are comfortable with two - so I don't want to change that. We have lots of fun as it is and financially it is easier having two for us.

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  6. Oh Thea, not selfish at all! I relate to your painful pregnancy, as mine were no joy either :o/ I often say if it weren't for the pregnancy, I'd probably have 4 children (although money and the size of the children I have also come into play there also!)
    I think you have a lovely family, with a boy and a girl. All children hassle their parents for another baby at one time or another. I can remember hounding my Mama for quite a few years to have another baby. Looking back I had no concept at all about her being 39 when she had me... and I was number 7! I actually remember her saying "no sweetheart, that is never going to happen", hehe! xo

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  7. Oh Thea.

    No, you are not selfish.

    If you feel done, you are done.

    There is so much I could say on having a third child...but I won't.

    If you are done, you are done.

    Next week they will be asking for DS's or something.

    xxx

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  8. No.
    Your family is complete when you feel it is.
    Your gorgeous kids are romanticising!!
    One week of you in agony and heavily pregnant would change their minds very quickly, I'm sure.
    What you have is beautiful.
    :-)

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  9. I agree with everyone here Thea.You arent being selfish at all.My girls,I have 2... are 10 yrs apart.Not because we planned it that way but because I had a miscarriage and it took a while a long while when the oldest was 10.

    Im pleased with what I have and the great thing is my 2 girls are soooo close being 26 and 36 yeah do you believe it lol.They are just like sisters who are maybe just a few yrs apart.


    Your kids will soon forget what they said,they will have lots of friends to keep them entertained while mommy goes on with her life and finishes raising them.All the best to you Thea!~~Becky

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  10. Ditto what everyone else has said (except the dodgy backlink checker lol). My kids ask for another one every now and then too, but for my husband and myself, 4 is right, and that is all that matters.
    Stop that mother guilt right now!! xx

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  11. No, not at all.

    I always wanted three, but I have two, and it's good. For me it was part health, part I wanted some sleep, part I'd just like my life back - selfish? Maybe. Honset? Yes.

    Stopping at two is better than having three because you felt pressured.

    Next week they'll ask for a kitten, or a chocolate bar!

    xxx

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  12. Thank you everyone for your comments!
    I feel so much better now.
    I love you ladies. xx

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  14. Thea I can SO associate with your post. Except for me the issue is having a 4th (I'm 39). I have 3 gorgeous children (two girls and a boy) but SO so so wanted a 4th but hubbie would just not budge. Ive done everything cajole, plead, argue, cry, write him a long letter pleading , arguing and crying but no he will not budge. He said my pregnancies are awful (they are); my body ends up a shattered wreck (it does) and I can so sick in and out to hospital he can't cope again. Everything he says makes sense and I agree. But yet why - like you do I have this thing inside me that says - "just one more".. Ive no idea.

    Good luck on resolving all this as I think this is the hard bit that no one but time can help with...

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  15. How timely that I stumbled across your blog today (I was looking for photos of Stradbroke Island). I have a 7 year old son and a daughter whose 4'th Birthday is today. I am turning 33 next month and definitely don't want to have any babies after 35 so I need to decide soon whether or not to have a third. I was just talking to my husband about it this morning. My son wants a baby, his best friend is the eldest in a family of 4 and my daughter would love a younger sibling, she loves her baby cousin. But honestly I don't know if I have the energy. I'm worried though that I might change my mind in a few years and it will be too late. I also worry that I'm short-changing my kids just because I can't be bothered. I have 3 siblings and loved growing up in a bigger family. Ah well.

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  16. No you are not being selfish, all children make remarks like this at some time or other. Sit down and talk through what it would mean in reality and they will I think you will find soon change their minds. :)

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  17. Don't let your kids desire for a sibling create guilt. They just don't realize what they're asking!

    ~2 kids do make a proper family. Both my husband and myself have 2 boys, and each of us come from 2 kid families. I never felt deprived!

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  18. You're not selfish at all.

    I'm SO done at 3, and I always thought 3-4. You just know. And having another if you don't feel you can wouldn't be disastrous, but wouldn't be great either.

    Besides, just one more can make ALL the difference. I found going from 1-2 no big deal, but 2-3? HUGE. But that's just me. Some have 7 kids and don't blink an eye.

    And anyway...even if you had 4 kids, they'd still ask for more! My boys ask all the time (as does my husband), and I always tell them my life is perfect right now.

    :) xxx

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  19. Throwing my 2 cents worth from someone the same age; I don't believe you are being selfish. I get asked the same question, not by my littles who are too little (5 mths and 29 months) but by others. We struggled to get #1 then miraculously ended up with two but I worried each time about the health of my eggs and if they'd be ok. They were, but even then, the risks for my #2 were double those for #1, yet I was still told they were within a good range "for my age". That increased risk, coupled with a question of whether I would be jeopardising the life I could give go my two existing children at my age (hubby is 45) are the two big things that stop me from considering a 3rd. Apart from that, our initial fertility issues may prevent us conceiving again anyway. So in a nutshell; it's not necessarily about being selfish but about wanting the best for your existing family and staying healthy, yourself, is a big part of that.

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  20. I'm struggling with this right now Thea and I have been for a while. I always thought we'd have 4 but I just don't know if I can go through it again. We have three beautiful, healthy kids. But they mention it occasionally as well and it always makes me wonder. You do what's right for you and I don't think you can go wrong.

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