I don't want to write this post.
I don't want to say it.
But it's going around and around in my head.
Things I'm not supposed to feel.
Things I'm not supposed to think.
Things I'm not supposed to say.
There is something wrong with my boy.
I just want to break down and cry.
And cry and cry and cry and cry.
I look at him differently now, and I don't want to.
I don't love him any less, I could never do that.
I'm cuddling him more.
I'm giving him more kisses.
I just want to make up for the fact that I've given him something 'bad'.
I feel so responsible.
The lump in my throat is so hard I cannot swallow it away.
The tears are stinging the back of my eyes but I don't want to let them out for fear they may not stop.
Aspergers, Aspergers, Aspergers...
It keeps ringing in my head.
It's only a word, but I wish I never heard it.
I don't even know for sure if he does have it.
I am so grateful to all the wonderful people who have been so supportive already.
And all the words and wonderful comments from other mums who have been here have been so comforting.
I feel so ungrateful.
This is nothing compared with the hands some parents are dealt.
It's not even a problem.
His behaviour is not a problem at the moment.
He does not have any learning difficulties.
What am I complaining about?
I don't want to be devastated.
I am so surprised I am even feeling this way.
My first reaction when I heard the word was, "That's fine, we can deal with that. I suspected it anyway."
But it's been eating away at me for a week now.
I just won't go away.
I do feel devastated.
And I suspect that is fairly normal.
I'm guessing everything I'm feeling is totally normal.
It may be, but it doesn't make it feel any better.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.