I feel like a deer in the headlights.
The light is shining on me, people are looking at me, expecting some action.
But I feel paralyzed.
Completely lacking in the confidence and enthusiasm to do anything.
Or alternatively, I feel like one of those towers of blocks that my children build. My confidence builds up and up, then gets shaky and suddenly, add a bit too much and I come crashing to the ground.
It usually happens when I have to organize something.
This makes birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries etc very stressful for me.
Just say the word 'organize' and I have an instant headache.
When I was teaching I never planned excursions or (heaven forbid) school camps.
Now as soon as I have to pack to go away overnight, or for a holiday I'm almost blinded by the thought of having to do so much.
I have lists.
I usually have multiple lists.
And that does help a little.
Now the family birthday season is looming large.
And it is beginning to terrify me.
Next week is my husband's birthday.
In a couple of months my two children have their birthdays four days apart and the next day is our wedding anniversary.
And the weekend before that is Father's Day.
So I am beginning to dread this time of year.
While I should be looking forward to it with joy, so many important family celebrations, I just want to curl up and hide somewhere until it's all over.
What's wrong with me?
I love celebrations.
I love parties.
I love birthdays.
I love holidays.
But now that I am the one responsible for organizing them...I'm not so fond of them anymore.
It's not the work.
Although I have readily admitted on numerous occasions that I was born with a
I think it's the expectation, the fact that people are watching me, I feel like I might stuff it all up and ruin everything.
Of course, logically I know this is not true. I don't have anyone pressuring me into having those over the top kids parties. Needless to say I do not do those!
But any amount of organizing just seems too much for me.
Sometimes (like now) I feel like the slackest mother on earth.