Thursday, July 22, 2010

When Love Runs Out

I've written a few posts about my marriage and family life and most of them have been all hearts and flowers.
But that isn't always the case.
Sometimes the fairytale turns into Craptasia.

Is anyone's marriage happy ALL the time?

I've read quite a few books about relationships (yes, even Dr Phil's) and although I cannot remember where I read it, the analogy of the 'Love Bank' has always stuck with me.
A relationship is just like a bank account.
Daily or regular deposits mean the account is always topped up.
Hurtful or nasty encounters are withdrawals and leave the realationship feeling depleted of love.
All accounts have deposits and withdrawals but as long as the balance doesn't run into the negative, all should be good.
So what happens when love runs out?
Do you get to the point where there have been more withdrawals than deposits?

Of course this post was brought on by a rough patch.
It was a bit of a lengthy one, too.
But don't worry, all is good again.

I've been around long enough, and watched enough Oprah, to know what I should be doing.
But actually doing it is another thing.
The two things that are the most difficult for me, and my husband, are...

talking about our problems
not fighting in front of the kids

Fortunately we don't do the fighting one very often, but I feel sick with guilt when we do.
And both of us have the tendancy to clam up when we're annoyed or upset with each other.

I'm not good at saying sorry.
I'm good at getting angry and feeling hard done by.
But I hardly ever say sorry.

Fortunately, both of us respond to hugs.
It doesn't matter who, but when one of us feel it's time to call a truce all we do is give each other a hug and that means all is right again.

What do you do when your love life is running on empty?


  1. I'm getting better at saying sorry... he likes to hear the words.

  2. Oh Thea I think we all feel like that - often. Love is not smooth sailing. Ever. But, as they say, if it is too easy you don't appreciate it. The best book I've ever read to help me understand how I love and how another person loves is The Five Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. It is really worth it. Glad things are better now that you have hugged. xxx

  3. Hugs are the best medicine, huh?

    Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it ain't.

    But when the shit hits the fan, there's no-one I'd rather have at my side than my lovely DH.


  4. I'm a talker, he's a silent treatment guy. Not a good mix.

  5. A good post Thea, thanks for sharing . Yes after being married for a hell of a long time (18 years) we have had our fair share of bad times...I think keeping the communication going, talking talking even if it stuff that is not necessarily pretty, it always helps to clear the air. Troubled times do go tho, you just have to ride them out. Try and get some couple time; even if its a walk together, a coffee, doesnt have to be extravagent. Just some good old fashioned couple time i find helps us re connect again.

  6. Having a husband who has a different meaning to the word "sorry" does make for interesting times - but so long as we understand that we want to work towards resolution I think part of the battle is already won.

    Thanks for posting - it is so true but often one of those "silent" corners of any relationship.

  7. What a great post, Thea. So true and love that you are not afraid to share, because life just isn't a garden of roses all the time.

    THAT'S for sure!

  8. Sometimes love is just bloody hard work. But, like you, a hug is an amazing thing.

  9. Thea, I love your honesty & your pragmatism.

    Lovely husband and I go through dodgy patches. It is always when our respective "tanks" are empty.

    The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman may be of some help - he talks about tanks and balances and withdrawls and deposits!

    Diminishing Lucy: The Five Love Languages ...

  10. I hate to say this but if hubby and I aren't arguing about something then somethings wrong!! That's just how we are and it works for us! We always "Hug it out" once it's over with and that's the same day!
    No ones marriage is perfect and if someone says it is their lying!
    Great post Lovely x

  11. We are so shit at fighting. We just don't do it very often.

    But I don't think that's a good thing. I think sometimes airing it as soon as it happens probably stops it from coming out and reamed through some totally disconnected argument later.

    I don't know. I can honestly say we get along great 95% of the time.

    The other 5% is when we think our world is ending because we are so unused to bad fights. Shit at it I tell you x

  12. Everyone fights - especially if they LIVE together! WHat's important is to really think about why you are fighting and to have rules for fighting. I always think it is funny when people think I NEVER fight with my husband - and we DO! We just get over it quickly....and play (fight) fair....

  13. After 24 years of marriage I can say it's f'ckn hard. There's been many a rough patch over the years, many times when we've both wondered why we're still together, or how we even ended up married.

    For us marriage has gotten so much better since the children have left home, we enjoy each others company these days without the everyday pressure of family life.

    I don't think you realise how much strain children put on your marriage and your life until they're grown. When children are young virtually every decision revolves around them and there's no time to be ourselves. Don't get me wrong, I do miss my children but I don't miss the stress :-)

    Hang in there Thea and use the Love Bank and I'm sure you'll end up richer for it xx


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