Friday, February 4, 2011

'It' Girl

I have come to realize, the older I get, the less things change.
I was under the false impression that as I aged, I would mature, grow in self-confidence, and leave petty school yard issues behind like a trail of bad memories.

Not so!

I'm having issues again.
Feeling left out.
Not fitting in.
Looking longingly at the popular group and feeling on the egde, or worse, on the outer.

Am I having trouble with school mum's again?
This time it's my online community.

I'm feeling all sorts of insecurities, all over again.
I think I'm fairly well aware of my failings and so I do understand why this happens.
I also know how annoying it is for people to point this kind of thing out.
People don't want to hear negative, whinging, complaining over and over about yourself.

So that's not what I'm intending to do here.

My question today is...

You know the popular people?
The ones that are witty and pretty and are always in the middle of online mirth and merriment?
I could name quite a few here, but of course I won't!
Do they ever feel this way?
Do they ever feel left out?
And if they do, do they just shut up about it when they do?
Because you never hear a popular person saying they feel like a loser.
Is that because they truly never do feel like a loser?
They always feel confident within themselves?

I dunno, I find it hard to believe anyone could never have pangs of insecurity.

Lots of questions...
Anyone have some answers?

OK, I'll shut up and go away now.
But if you are a popular person, perhaps you could throw a few tips my way on "How to be an IT girl".

Tip #1 Stop whinging!?


  1. Raises my hand I feel the same at times but I have meet some real nice friends on line (like you & others) thst I hope I'll get to meet in real life before my time is up.

    I find also the popular ones tend to not answer your tweets to them.

    (((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX

  2. I feel this way continually. It's constant :) But TBH I don't even know what constitutes an 'IT' girl in the blogging world. Eg. I got 250 hits on my blog yesterday alone, and only half a doz. comments. So I really don't know! I'm obviously reaching a fairly big audience (I don't know if that's shabby or not) and rarely get less than 60-100 hits a day, but a lot of voyeurs obviously. Don't even know what that says about my blog/style/content. Meanwhile, I see blogs with 30, 40, 60 comments and wonder why they have an audience that's so interactive with them. So don't discount that you might be quite 'popular' if blog traffic is anything to go by, but you just don't have commenting visitors! ?? I really don't know, I'm just trying to help ;)

  3. You know, I think you just say stuff that lots of the rest of us think. I LOVE that about you. I think our insecurities follow us forever and ever and ever. I feel that way ALL the time. When I feel like that I step away from the computer/phone. x

  4. My dearest Thea. Everyone...EVERYONE suffers from insecurity at some point. Even Madonna and Jennifer Hawkins and many, many people online. You'd be surprised how many people online appear confident but really aren't. You are not alone.

    Having said that, I always see you chatting with lots of diff people online...I've always thought of you as being friendly and popular. ;) xxx

  5. You ARE an 'it' girl in the blogging world!

  6. Well, I love your blog (although, I don't comment much) and I love chatting to you on Twitter.

    But, yes, I think most of us feel this way at times. You're not a loser, you're just honest about how you're feeling. I got 50 hits on a blog post the other day (a lot for me), and one comment. It's probably that my blog has a narrow focus, but it still hurt. ♥

  7. (KJ, You are welcome ;)) And now to Thea: I'll add my bit here too- it's the least I can do when you've asked so bravely.

    You know, I believe the only unique aspect to your feeling is that you've actually said it out loud, rather than just think it. Props to you, I don't know that I could have. I have many of those uncertain moments- no less than 3 times last week, did I tweet risque jokes with no reply and felt I had to DM each person in case I'd crossed a line with them. I'm grateful each one responded and not one of them had been offended in any way! Relief. Silly me. I second guess myself all the time!
    I also believe part of all this is exacerbated due to the social exclusion staying at home brings. Our social skills get less of a workout as our lives become all about our family and not about freestanding relationships. I'm looking at returning to work again this year after soooo very long, and my oath this adventure is going to sort my shit out very quickly! Back on the horse...(!) My best to you, Lovely

  8. Thea I suspect everyone feels like this at some point. I know I do. And I tend to just log out and take a break. It passes. And you're gorgeous and honest and I for one, love knowing you in the twitterverse x

  9. Thea you are so gorgeous. In and Out.

    I've kind of discovered the online is a little bit like high school. Different cliques I guess you'd say. I don't really feel like I'm part of any of them in particular and believe me, putting out something on twitter and not one person responding? Far out, nothing more humiliating.

    I think this year and half of blogging/twitter has given me my biggest highs but also my lowest lows which is ridiculous because prior to knowing about either of those two things, I was a very even keeled kind of gal.

    Everyone feels what you are describing. Honestly. Your blog is a highlight, truly. xx

  10. Just a bit of encouragement that you are not alone. Blogging is a curious business. xx

  11. Thea, you and I have chatted about this before.

    I suspect the higher the 'popularity', the more intense the wit, and the greater the insecurites. In blogging, online, at the school gate, everywhere. Men and women.

    I have a friend & relation. She is gorgeous, slim, fit, sexy. Young. Sucessful in career and family. Bubbly and fun, for most of the time. She sounds too good to be true, hey? Some of the time, though, she is cripplingly painful to deal with, as her MASSIVE insecurities play out.

    Go figure.


  12. Dont be silly you are an "it" girl in Blog land xx

  13. I kind of feel like So Now What. There are cliques. Sometimes I feel ignored. But why? Why have I done this to myself? When I started my blog it was wholly for me to express myself. To get the constant whir out of my brain and onto paper. And I loved that feeling. And then it became for my friends and family too. It made them laugh. It made them happy. So I was extra happy. And then I got some cool followers and I started to follow them and it felt good. But then there are days I feel like I've lost my sense of purpose and the reason I started in the first place coz I start writing about things to fit in rather than writing about the things I want to express. And then I get confused. So I just get back to why I did it in the first place.

    I have some advice to my 11 year old just yesterday. Not sure if it was good advice or bad advice, but I should listen to it. She wanted to start a private blog about her last year of primary school. So I agreed. Then when she was done she said "what if no one reads it Mum?" And I said "why do you want to write it?" She said "to have a memory of my last year and to make myself happy", so I said "if that's why you're doing it then it doesn't matter if no one reads it. Don't lose your sense of WHY".

    As far as I'm concerned, just doing it in the first place makes us all IT girls.

    So yeah Thea, I feel it too ...

  14. Kylie Ladd very kindly sent me a comment via email because my blog was being difficult and wouldn't let her comment. So here it is...

    I have no idea if I am 'popular' or not online- but I DO know that there is always someone there that will talk to me, and as someone who went through a decidedly unpopular few years at high school I do appreciate that very much. My only advice, FWIW, is don't take too much to heart. As long as you have family and two or three friends you know really love you the rest is icing. Icing is lovely, but it's just icing- it's extra, it's not the sustenance. And believe me, NO ONE always feel popular, secure, successful, assured all the time. They don't. Underneath, we're all paddling as hard as we can. xx

    ...Thanks Kylie! :)

  15. Wow! I was worried about publishing this post this morning because I didn't want you all thinking...'oh boy, here she goes again.'
    So I am so grateful for your comments and so excited that the 'it' girls commented too!!
    If you are wondering if that's you, yes! Of course I mean you. Because I learned today that we are all 'it' girls, as Langdowns said. xx

    Thank you!!

  16. Hon, its your blog, you can write whatever you want and you weren't winging. really not. You know how I feel about all of this - you are just far braver than I. *hugs* lovely girl. It does feel like high school doesn't it *sigh*
    But you, you rock. xx

  17. hold on - i can comment without logging into my did that happen? Yipeee :) :) *skips around room* now i can comment on you blog ATT :)

  18. I can't say anything that the others haven't already said. I feel this way online sometimes, but I try to limit how much I feel that way by not expecting anything.

    I tweet because it's fun for me. If I get a response from someone it's an exciting bonus.

    If there's one thing I've learnt about the online world - you have to have a thick skin. If you don't, you'll eat yourself up over the things you perceive to be happening.


  19. Hi thea
    Thanks for sharing, I admire your candour and being so totally honest, its so refreshing. I have never been an it girl (well maybe when my girls were 4 or 5 and they thought I was fanstastic)im too shy and insecure for that but to me I think your the bees knees ! I love your twitter posts, makes me feel like i have another friend out there going through the ordinary and the extraordinary; sharing their day with me.
    Sorry i dont have any answers for you, but i do know two things;
    1)Any mum in your school(and well dad) would be bloody lucky to have you as a friend; your sincerity, humour and personaltiy are a rare combination
    2) If we lived closer - I would certainly be buying you a wine or two - to cheer you up
    Have a good weekend
    Daniele (aka Ms Worldly) xx

  20. Thea, I love it that you are in my universe. I feel like this regularly, a little on the outside looking in to already established relationships where the conversation flows. I am often reading conversations on twitter but feel unsure about whether I should say anything. It's a mix of insecurity and not being sure of the etiquette I reckon. But you, you always talk to me and I love you popping up in my feed! You're an IT girl to me xx

  21. I feel this way sometimes. Luckily I get over it pretty quickly by thinking bugger, like I really care anyway.

    Sometimes Twitter does my head in and I feel very on the outer. A little twitter loser.

    And for what it's worth. I think your cool. I'm stalking you after all. Isn't that enough? :oP

  22. Bowerbird (propinqua)February 4, 2011 at 7:51 PM

    I've been thinking about your post a lot today. (Okay, half thinking. Because, of course, the other half of my brain was studiously concentrating on the texts I'm supposed to be reading.) I tweeted to you that I was surprised, but perhaps it was not obvious why. You see, from where I sit, you are such a talented and popular figure in this online world I have only recently ventured to. It simply would not have occurred to me that you might not know this.

    And for you and the others who have made comments about "hits" versus "comments" on your blogs I want to say this: I now read a few people's blogs occasionally, not a lot. And I hardly ever comment. Partly this is a time thing - for some reason I can't bring myself to put fingers to keyboard straight away. I have to go away and ponder (like today) while I go about more mundane daily tasks. More often than not (unlike today) I never get back to type what I have thought - but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking of what you have written.

    Mostly though, its because *I* feel like an outsider. I am not a blogger, and to me it seems like you all know each other. It somehow doesn't feel right to butt in on your conversation.

    Maybe there are more people out there like me. In which case, I would have thought hits was a better measure than comments. (But do you really want to measure it anyway?) After this post, though, I will try and leave comments more often :)

  23. Thea, I think you are gorgeous. I often tweet people or write something and no-one responds. I go to bed and think to myself what's wrong with me? what have I done? Have I pissed someone off? Why do they not like me? I give twitter a rest for awhile and recharge my confidence. I too have had some real highs and some awfully isolating lows since joining the online community. In general, it is an amazingly supportive place. I am trying to develop a tougher skin. I hope you are feeling better and if you ever feel crap about it, send me a message because I will listen. I will probably be feeling the same way xx

  24. Thea, you're speaking my thoughts in this post. I've said to a few people that Twitter often triggers me back to my high school insecurities. In high school I was never really part of a clique, with quite a few friends but not really on the "inside".

    And that's pretty much how I feel on Twitter. And it's also why I've stalled a bit on my blog. I feel like I'm entering a world where so many people are doing such a great job - is what I write going to be redundant??

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and being so open as to write about them. Rest assured - you're far from alone!!

  25. just...ditto to so much of what other people are saying. I'm very new to blogging and feel like I am trying too hard to make contacts and that maybe that is offputting?? i want my blog to be successful but what does that really mean? is it about the number of people who 'follow' you or is it the number of comments you get per post or number of visits per day? sometimes i wonder if anyone reads my blog at all...but to me blogging is such an awesome outlet - i love being able to express myself and i'm sure i will get better at it as time goes by :)
    Being so open is a credit to you too! I enjoyed this post - its always good to address something that gets people talking.

  26. honestly i think we all feel like this at times.

    i believe that there definitely IS an 'it crowd' when it comes to the blogospher and ESPECIALLY when it comes to the aussie blogosphere.

    there are those that you read their blogs constantly, comment on their posts and *hope* that they stop by yours and start to frequent it and leave comments and when they dont you feel gutted.

    i used to. now i dont give two flying figs.

    love me, hate me, your opinion really means very little to me because the only person whos opinion i care about is the Guvs.

    i write things some people love and some that some people hate but regardless im always being TRUE TO ME when i write - if people dont get that, thats their loss not mine.

    sure i still read the "it crowds" blogs and post comments, i rarely get visits back from them but again thats their loss.

    i say as long as youre being true to YOU, then the people who are MEANT to be in your life, your circle will find you.

    dont change thea - cause you rock just the way you are my friend!


  27. Oh Thea! My Thea, sweet, kind, heart of gold Thea. We all feel like this at times, but you are so brave to actually go ahead and post about it! I feel like the dumbest twit on Twitter most of the time. Probably because am intellectually challenged and sleep deprived. My advise to you is to stop worrying about what other people are doing. Don't look at them. Concentrate on yourself and your world because that is the most important world. You are the cool one. You have a fab blog, lots of followers, awesome honest writing. I look to you as one of the cool kids. OK!

  28. Thea, you are so honest and it's refreshingly beautiful! The funny thing is, being new to blogging etc etc... I view YOU as an 'IT' girl too. I think your posts are witty, thought provoking, entertaining. You always come across as real and clever and most of all I love coming back to read what you have to say. I have had insecurity issues at different times throughout my entire life. I guess it is true what is so often said, that the most attractive quality a person can have is being comfortable in their own skin. I also think if we have conviction in the things we do stand for, we're half way there. Hope you feel a bit better :o)

  29. I'm repeating what others have said, but we all have times like this.
    You were one of the first people I met on twitter & one who still always chats and replies.
    I think also, at the moment there is a lot going on, IRL and on line, and people are commenting less... it's a busy time!
    Blogging is a funny thing and fickle! I've stopped looking at my stats, it does me no good.
    Just keep on blogging from the heart, it's all any of us can do xxx

  30. I was never the IT girl at school, quite the opposite being constantly bullied by the IT girls! As I have grown up I guess I still have my insecurities about whether people like me, however the difference now is that I walk away when I am not happy rather than trying harder to impress the IT crowd.

    My mum (who has had many pearls of wisdom over the years) said to me once, Don't worry about being popular as those people often have much attention but very little real friends, rather make yourself one true friend that you can trust.

    So I live by that mantra!

    PS I love your blog, not because you are IT, but because you are nice, and interesting, and you actually reply to me!

  31. Huh. I came back for a re-read because it's been on my mind. Turns out that people are more the same than they are different. This has been a great conversation. Thanks for starting it!

  32. I've never been an "IT" girl, never will be. I live with insecurities like this every day. Every time I make a comment and it goes unanswered, every tweet I write that goes unnoticed. Every birthday I have that family forget (including my mother). I figure that a huge number of other people do as well and I just walk away & hide until I feel strong enough to cope with being ignored again :)

    Luckily not being an "IT" girl doesn't mean you're not nice or worth knowing. I think it's the opposite. I like the non "IT" people way more usually.

  33. Very brave post Thea - this is another of those things that no one talks about.

    I love chatting to you on Twitter, and reading your blog. Sometimes I don't get overly involved in some Twitter conversations because I think I don't have anything worthwhile to add. It's like in 'real life' - sometimes the quiet ones or the ones who only stick to their little groups are called snobs, but really they're quite shy.

  34. Wow, it just goes to show that perspective is everything. I see you and certain other bloggers chatting away on Twitter and have always wanted to join in the conversation, but have never felt brave enough. You see, to me you ARE an it girl in the blogging world. :o)


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