I'm really good at tying my stomach in knots.
This morning my 6 year old boy was awarded with this week's encouragement award for his class at assembly in the church. Miss 3 and I of course went to watch. We got there early, first in fact, to get the best seat...back row! (I'm a good Catholic.) But we did sit on the aisle so my boy could spot us. I was so proud of him, sitting there with the biggest silly smile on my face.
Before that however, as we were sitting waiting, and I was shushing Miss3 "You have to be quiet in the church", the classes began to walk in with their teachers. I used to be one of those. I remembered the hundreds of assemblies I sat through with my own classes. Then I had this conversation with myself, silently of course, we were in the church...
It's so nice to be sitting here responsible only for my darling daughter and not a whole class of kids.
Oh look, there's the sister of one of my mothers' group mums, she must have a relief day.
Hey, there's the PE teacher doing a relief day in another class.
They still haven't called me up this year.
Why haven't they called me?
Don't they want me?
What's wrong with me?
Not that I really want a relief day.
I'm much much happier at home with my baby girl.
But I do have to get back to it eventually.
What if they never call me?
Don't worry about it, enjoy your time at home.
But we need extra money if we're ever going to get out of the house that is breaking my husband.
How do I get back into it if no one wants me?
I wish I never had to go back, ever.
I've never liked going to work.
But I can't be a stay at home mum forever!
Oh stop it!
Just be a proud mummy today, will you?
See...knots!
And now I feel all unsettled....dammit!
Aaaargh I despise those brain-tied moments.
ReplyDeleteyeah, sometimes it's no good to have no one to talk and whisper to.
ReplyDeletecongrats to your son to get the award (and that's certainly a bit your 'work' too, now isn't it ?)
Must be something in the air. Knots. That's a good way to describe what I've been feeling of late.
ReplyDeleteoh yes, lots of knots here - oh hon, i hate mornings like that, or days like that, because when it comes down to it there will be some connection between the school and teacher, or the subject or how long you've been registered relief, or where your name comes in the alphabet that will have more to do to it than if they want YOU ( see, a bit good at this - talk myself through it with extra work :) )
ReplyDeleteHUGS though - horrid feeling
Hugs......pressure to be a good mum, pressure to go back to work and then 'those' looks when you say you work at home. Being a grown up just isn't the fun I thought it would be.
ReplyDeleteLike an iceberg - all that under the surface and a smile of pride on your face, no doubt. One day at a time Thea x
ReplyDeleteSilly, silly brain. Sometimes those thought processes are so hard to keep track of, and are often so irrational that they just DON'T MAKE SENSE! Sometimes you just have to shut yourself up and try to enjoy the moment. Something that I'm working on too xxx
ReplyDeleteoh geez, I seriously do this most of my day! Infact there are times when I actually do it, but speak out loud (yes I know, I have infact lost the plot but its all good cause I acknowledge that LOL).
ReplyDeleteAnd why is it that we are so damn hard on ourselves when we do it? Ahhh brains! Who'd have one eh? ;)
I fight with myself constantly. Surprised I have time to socialise really. Oh hang on. That's right. I don't. LOL
ReplyDeleteThea, I'm doing this to myself right now! I am due back to work in July, after my year's maternity leave and I AM NOT READY! In fact, I'm totally in denial and am working on ways in which I don't have to go back. Then I get the guilts. About money mainly and I guess keeping my foot in that proverbial door. aaarrrggghhh! Why can't it just be simpler for us Mama's?!
ReplyDeleteThen you get stupid comments from people like the director at my son's preschool yesterday, when I mentioned I'd like to take a 'few years' out of the workforce to be with the boys. Her response, "go back to work, no one will want you in a few years".
Gee. Thanks!
I know where you're coming from except my "knot" is resign & move on or re-skill myself & suck it up.
ReplyDeleteUgh. Those conversations are terrible, aren't they? I have them with myself too on so many different subjects.
ReplyDeleteBut don't worry. You'll probably get to next year, and you'll think, 'Thank goodness I didn't have to work all that time last year.'
xxx