NOTE: I actually deleted this post the morning after I wrote it. This was the entry I spoke of in my last post. A very clever person was able to retrieve it for me. I hope it was worth the recovery....
I am sure some people's words and actions are true representations of who they really are. But I believe there are others who's actions and words betray the real character, intention and sensibility of the person.
I don't just mean they are taken the wrong way, I mean that what appears outwardly can be a complete contrast to how you feel inwardly. It's a very difficult thing to put into words so I'm going to do my best and hope someone relates to, or understands what I am trying to say.
Over the last few months my 'real world' friends in the town I live have dwindled away to practically none. I'm a much more family than friend oriented person so it took me awhile to even realize this was happening. Of course I am very saddened by this turn of events. I'm alone and lonely. Twitter has become my lifeline to the world, and as much as I love my Twitter friends (and I really do), there is a hole in my life due to the absence of face to face 'catch-ups' and chats over coffee. I do have quite a lot of long time friends, but they're all too far away to see regularly.
So, in my ample time to ponder, I have tried to come up with reasons/excuses for my 'Nigel-ness'. Looking back I can recall a number of times where I've appeared aloof or cold or disinterested even, but that wasn't remotely how I was feeling. I feel like I am a warm person but I don't think I always come across that way. I think my perception of me is nothing like what others see as 'me'.
I was alerted to this fact years ago when I saw myself dancing on video. At the time, I thought I was letting loose, dancing my little (well, it was at the time) butt off. Then I saw myself on video, I was shocked by how little I was actually moving, I looked stiff, not at all like the little groover that I thought I was.
On other occasions I have been trying to listen to conversations but have been totally distracted by my children and it appears that I am not interested. I pay more attention to the distraction than the person speaking. I've noticed that not everyone does this.
I also do this thing where on occasion something completely ridiculous, inane or incorrect comes out of my mouth and I don't have the presence of thought to correct myself or apologize, therefore I must come off looking very ditzy at best. Later, of course, I think of what I should have said, but the other person would only be remembering me by what I actually said. You know when someone you are talking to says something strange and you think to yourself, "What an odd thing to say." That's me. But I don't mean it. It's not that I do it all the time, but my words are betraying me, and I'm not standing up for myself enough to correct 'me'.
I have been called a shy person by so many people and at times I do feel very shy, but often the times I've been labelled shy I haven't felt that way.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into things. Perhaps I'm just a normal, complex person, just like everyone else. Perhaps these other people aren't really thinking, "She doesn't even listen", or "She's not even interested," at all.
It's like when you see a photo of yourself, you know the one, when you thought you looked good but the photo shows you are actually older, heavier and daggier than what you saw in your mirror. I guess what I'm trying to say is you are your own mirror and everyone else has photos of you. What is the truth? The mirror or the photo??